No matter the credentials, status and wealth a woman has, none of that makes her free from having low self-esteem, low self value and this undeniable feeling of incompleteness if she’s single. With all the accomplishments and advancements we have made, some women still do not feel validated until they have a man.
I came across a story of a woman named Jacquelyn Kotarac, Dr. Jacquelyn Kotarac to be exact, from Bakersfield, California. A 49-year old woman, who on paper “appears” to be a good catch. She has the beauty and the brains combination that one would assume most men would want. There are reports that Dr. Kotarac was in one of those on-again, off-again relationships that many go through. Apparently during the “off season” of this relationship, Jacquelyn dies. How you ask? Breaking into her boyfriend’s house. This lady took a ladder, climbed to the roof and went feet first through the chimney and got stuck. While she was trying for her best 007 impersonation, her boyfriend was sneaking out the front door. Three days later her corpse was found in the flue.
This brings me to ask what was going through her head and the head of other women who have gone through drastic measures to get in contact with a man who apparently doesn’t want any contact? What brought Jacquelyn to the point of scaling a damn building and climbing through the chimney? I’m sorry. I just laughed typing that because it sounds crazy as hell. Initially I just charged it to the low self-esteem game but then I began to think of other possible factors. Factors such as the societal pressures that are put on us to be married. Anything but single. A single lady is treated like she has the bubonic plague. Plenty of times when asked about my marital status and I tell them unmarried, I’ve been asked “What’s wrong with you? 33 and you’re not married yet?” When marriage is brought up in a professional or personal setting, if there’s an unmarried woman in the circle, an awkward silence comes over the convo as if she just said she worshiped the devil. I begin to think of all the paparazzi reports and front cover articles of Jennifer Anniston is “SINGLE AGAIN!!” *insert horror movie music* What is she going to do now? Jennifer Anniston, alone AGAIN! All the reports, books and documentaries of the single ladies guide to FINDING AND GETTING YOU A MAN! Single? We can help you out! Then there’s mother dearest. How many times has a daughter heard her mother say “isn’t it about time you get married?” “I sure wish you hurry up and give me my grandchildren.” I’ve even heard a mother tell her daughter they were damn fools for not marrying an abusive prick because “only a fool would choose to be over 30 and unmarried.”
Fortunately, I believe because of what my parents instilled, I’ve never had a thought of climbing to the roof of a mans house to shimmy down his chimney like a bootleg ass Santa Clause. I’ve never gone through a phone or took part in a “drive by” with my girls as passengers ready to slice tires and bust out windows. I know a large reason why is because of the men that I’ve dated. I’ve never kept a man around that would give me a reason to have to get all Inspector Gadget-ish on him. But I do believe another part of it is my self-esteem. But that’s just me. Who’s to say just because these pressures didn’t affect me negatively they wouldn’t another woman? And if they did affect a woman emotionally, does that mean she was weak and not as strong as someone else that doesn’t let these outside factors get to them? What exactly brings a woman to say ‘when I get to his house, I’m going through his chimney”?
I think I have an answer to the problem: Mom, stop telling your daughters something is wrong with them if they’re not married; Dad, you’re our first identifiable source of male affection. When we’re validated by you, we’re not looking for validation from any other man; society stop acting like a single woman in a room full of married people is an outcast. You don’t do the same for men. When men are single, they’re celebrated. He’s the “American Gigolo” living life free and to the fullest. His single life is envied by most of his male friends and society in general. He’s portrayed on TV and the big screen as the hot, hip, cool, fun, life-is-so-easy, single man. But a single woman is depicted as lonely, sexually promiscuous females that are “longing to be loved because they missed something at home”, a bitch and whatever else when we’re single. Why the double standards? And can this play a part in why we have 50 year-old women in their best James Bond rendition, climbing through chimneys? SMH.